New Fat or Old Fat?

So, you might be wondering what kind of fat I am. New fat or old fat? Have I always been fat or did I recently come into some, like those toothless wonders who always manage to win the lottery?

Well, I’m a former athlete who played Division I college basketball. The fact that I could run up and down a basketball court for nearly 40 minutes straight is laughable to me in my current condition. I never had to worry about what I ate when I was playing basketball. Of course, I didn't, we practiced 2-3 hours a day and in the off-season, I was motivated to stay in shape to earn and keep a starting position. After college, I was sick of working out, so I rebelled (against whom, I don't know) and pretty much stopped working out completely, and I continued to eat what I wanted, so I started to add on some pounds. Then I just kept adding them. In 2004, I lost about 35 lbs (still I weighed 20 more lbs than in college). This is when I nabbed my hubby. *wink*wink* I fell in love, got comfortable, got a year-round desk job, got married, had two babies in two years, and well, here I am fatter than I’ve ever been. There were a few other contributing factors like swinging through McDonald’s drive-thrus and ordering carryout on a regular basis. Oh yeah, and not exercising, but I like to place the blame on love and babies. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

I have always had body image issues. I attribute that to being a 6-foot tall female. No matter how thin you are at that height, you're always "bigger" than most of your peers in some way or another. I look back at pictures of myself in high school (a time when I thought I was "fat"), and I am shocked by how thin I look. I would pay to be THAT "fat" now. And, God Bless my dear friends, most of whom I have known since high school, but almost all of them are little tiny things that I could eat for a mid-afternoon snack!

Of course, I am not happy with the way I look. When I look in the mirror, I can actually hear cows mooing and pigs squealing because they want their fat back. Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband who claims this doesn't bother him, and I actually believe him. I'm sure the fact that he has added a few pounds (very few in comparison to me) helps that, but I know he still loves me and is attracted to me. Though I would certainly like to feel sexy again. But what has really motivated me is a fear of dying. It’s probably not normal to think about dying as much as I do. I worry about having a sudden heart attack or stroke almost everyday. And, where would that leave my family…without a wife and mother. Not good. Oh yeah, did I mention heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes run in my family? EEK. So, here I am trying to adjust my lifestyle in a way that will not just help me lose weight, but make me more healthy. I know it's the right thing to do, and I know I can do it, but that doesn't mean I have to like the process!