Monday, February 6, 2012

Wasting Time

This weekend, I attended a mini-reunion of sorts. One of my high school basketball teammates was inducted into our county's Women's Athletics Hall of Fame, and after the ceremony, her sister planned a party at a local bar/restaurant. It was so great to reconnect with old friends, teammates, and coaches, some of whom I had not seen in a decade or more. Despite the passing of time, it was so easy to fall right into easy conversations, laughing about the good ol' days. Shared experiences are almost like time machines, taking you back to the people and places and camaraderie of the time.

I had been looking forward to this evening for quite some time, but the morning of, I found myself feeling anxious. I was still excited, but I was also letting the insecurities that inevitably fester when I am about to see people I haven't seen in a long time creep in. Twenty plus years ago, even though I thought I was fat, I wasn't. It was sad to me that I was letting these feelings overshadow the excitement. I worried all day about what people were going to think. But, you know what, I never felt like anyone was judging me or thinking, "DAMN, she got HU-uge!" Maybe they were, maybe they weren't, but it really doesn't matter. I only took away positive memories and feelings from that evening. While I am thankful that I didn't let my insecurities ruin the whole evening for me, I wish they hadn't been a part of the day at all.

While we were at the party, one of my friends (someone I still see regularly) said that she felt like she wasted so many times in her life worrying about boys. Yeah, been there, done that one myself. The next day, as I was replaying the evening in my mind and thinking more about what she said, I realized I am now doing the same thing about my self-image and weight. Wasting time worrying about what other people think. Wasting time waiting for the weight to come off. Wasting time putting off things I want to do and how I want to feel for "AFTER I lose weight."

I never did figure out how to not waste time on boys. Until I met my husband, when I was almost 30, I was still worrying about what I wanted and didn't have and how I was going to get it all once the world became shiny and new after I met "the one." While I love my husband dearly and I am so grateful that I met him, it didn't make everything I had been waiting on magically appear before my eyes. And, losing weight won't either.