Gone But Not Forgotten

Hello, Blogoshere. It's been awhile...and it will probably be awhile until my next post. I'm planning to take a break from blogging for a few reasons. 1) Life seems to be moving at record speed. Honestly, how it is mid-March is beyond my comprehension. Weeks go by without me even realizing. I used to be on top of correspondence and keeping up with friends. Now, I get an email, quickly read it, and later go back to reply and realize that weeks have gone by since I first received it! Same with phone calls. It's weird. It's not like I don't have ANY time to respond, but time just seems to evaporate. 2) Which brings me to the second reason. I don't have the same desire I did a year ago to put my free time into blogging. 3) I don't feel like I have much to blog about right now. I'm still struggling to find my rhythm, cycling through a 3 day on, 5 day off, 2 day on routine that gets me nowhere. There's only so much one can say about being in a rut. 4) I plan to start writing a novel....ha ha...just kidding. I wish I had something as exciting as that going on!

I plan to keep up with the blogs of those of you I read regularly. You continue to inspire me. Too bad you can't seem to motivate me. Damn you! :-)

So, farewell, for now.

Wasting Time

This weekend, I attended a mini-reunion of sorts. One of my high school basketball teammates was inducted into our county's Women's Athletics Hall of Fame, and after the ceremony, her sister planned a party at a local bar/restaurant. It was so great to reconnect with old friends, teammates, and coaches, some of whom I had not seen in a decade or more. Despite the passing of time, it was so easy to fall right into easy conversations, laughing about the good ol' days. Shared experiences are almost like time machines, taking you back to the people and places and camaraderie of the time.

I had been looking forward to this evening for quite some time, but the morning of, I found myself feeling anxious. I was still excited, but I was also letting the insecurities that inevitably fester when I am about to see people I haven't seen in a long time creep in. Twenty plus years ago, even though I thought I was fat, I wasn't. It was sad to me that I was letting these feelings overshadow the excitement. I worried all day about what people were going to think. But, you know what, I never felt like anyone was judging me or thinking, "DAMN, she got HU-uge!" Maybe they were, maybe they weren't, but it really doesn't matter. I only took away positive memories and feelings from that evening. While I am thankful that I didn't let my insecurities ruin the whole evening for me, I wish they hadn't been a part of the day at all.

While we were at the party, one of my friends (someone I still see regularly) said that she felt like she wasted so many times in her life worrying about boys. Yeah, been there, done that one myself. The next day, as I was replaying the evening in my mind and thinking more about what she said, I realized I am now doing the same thing about my self-image and weight. Wasting time worrying about what other people think. Wasting time waiting for the weight to come off. Wasting time putting off things I want to do and how I want to feel for "AFTER I lose weight."

I never did figure out how to not waste time on boys. Until I met my husband, when I was almost 30, I was still worrying about what I wanted and didn't have and how I was going to get it all once the world became shiny and new after I met "the one." While I love my husband dearly and I am so grateful that I met him, it didn't make everything I had been waiting on magically appear before my eyes. And, losing weight won't either.

Big Boobs and the Grandmaster

Funny story.

Last night, after putting the kids to bed, the hubs and I created a little circuit workout. It was (very) loosely based on the 100 Workout, but since my plantar fasciitis flare up, I can't do much of anything with impact, so we modified it A LOT. We did a couple sets each of boxing, crunches, squats, arm raises, and high knees. The number of reps we chose was way too low and the whole thing only took us 10 minutes! LOL But, hey, it was 10 minutes we weren't sitting on the couch. So, we'll add more next time.

ANYWAY, this was not the point of my post. After our tremendous workout, I suggested we do some yoga, you know part of that whole balance thing I'm going for. And, then Jay suggested Thai Chi. Lucky for us, there were beginner videos of both On Demand. So, we started with the Thai Chi and the wonderful teachings of Grandmaster Chen. As my friend Kim knows from our prenatal yoga days (that's a whole other post unto itself), I am not a very good participant in quiet activities in which you are supposed to channel your inner...your inner...whatever that would be called. As soon as it started, I was giggling. I don't know why. I just can't help myself. But, it only got worse from there. The video was TERRIBLE. Pretty much the only instructions he gave you were: "sleep" (ummm, OK)..."wake up" (Already? I just went to sleep.)..."50-50" (Huh?)..."turn foot" (Which foot? No clue.).."same weight" (Whaaaat?!?!). All the while, you can only see the upper half of his body. It was really quite comical as we rotated, breathed, and moved in SUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPERRRRRRR sloooowwwww motion around our living room.

So, after about 10 minutes of that, we decided to try out the yoga video. We turned it on and were immediately concerned when we noticed it was from the same production company as Mr. Chen's Thai Chi. Then, the host comes on, and we just look at each other and started cracking up. This woman had the biggest boobs EVER. Not that you can't have big boobs and do yoga. I'm sure plenty of ample breasted yogis around the world would take issue with that; just not what we were expecting. But, we didn't let that deter us. Onward and downward (facing dog) we went! Our wonderful hostess was amazingly strong and flexible, and we did our best to keep up with her, but given our inflexibility and uncontrollable laughter at the soft core porn shots throughout the video (did I mention how low cut her top was), we just couldn't quite cut it. We probably lasted about as long with Big Boobs as we did with the Grandmaster.

Bottom line, though, is we had some fun and weren't sitting on our butts. Laughter has to be a zen habit, right?!

ADDENDUM: Immediately after completing this post, I went to Facebook and my friend, the aforementioned prenatal yoga Kim, had posted this link. LOVE IT! Open Letter to the Fat Girl I Saw at Hot Yoga in New York City. I wish I could write like her.

Blind Weigh In

Yesterday, I decided I really should weigh myself, but I didn't want to look. It's silly, I know, but I didn't want to be so discouraged that I gave up before barely getting started again. At the same time, I didn't want to get to the end of the month without having a concrete measurement of how things went. Yes, the pants may be looser, but I like a number! Fortunately, my scale has a lovely feature where you can see your previous weight after you weigh yourself. So, I weighed myself, but didn't look, knowing I will be able to see what that number was whenever I decide to weigh in again. Pretty crafty, huh?! You won't beat ME, scale!

You may be wondering what my plan is or you may not give a crap. Either way, I'm going to tell you. This month (and I started on Tuesday), I am not going to be tracking or counting, but I am going to focus on eating with a purpose. Usually (hopefully),the purpose will be because I am hungry. It may be because it's been awhile since I have eaten and I should probably eat something (trying not to go more than 3-4 hours without eating). But, it may also be because I am craving something or I am eating for pleasure to really enjoy the taste of something delicious or maybe even because I am enjoying myself in a social situation. And, I think those purposes are OK too, in moderation. Most importantly, I don't want to find myself blindly stuffing my face with food I don't even want without being aware of how much I am eating or why I am eating it. A couple purposes for eating which are off limits are eating to soothe emotions and/or stress. I am hoping by eating more mindfully and with purpose, I will be more conscious of the choices I am making and start to become more in tune with my body's wants and needs when it comes to food.

I won't lie and say that this is all I am doing as I am also trying to focus on making healthy choices and reasonable portion sizes, just without counting and measuring. So far, three days in, I'm feeling pretty good about how this is going. I have been a bit hungry, but I am considering that a detox from the bingeing over the holidays. When I have gotten hungry, truly hungry, I have eaten something, even if it is only an hour or so after a meal. I have grabbed things like a small packet of almonds and a small handful of dried cranberries or an apple or a small bag of popcorn. Reasonable choices, I think.

The other thing I am focusing on is channeling my inner Buddhist by incorporating some relaxation and meditation techniques. Thanks to fellow blogger Jill, I started reading this great website Zen Habits. It is written in such a succinct way that it makes it easy to gradually incorporate the habits. I'm starting with the list of most popular posts on the "Start Here" page and reading and trying to incorporate one each week. So, this week, I am focusing on BREATHE. I can honestly say that I have been breathing successfully all week! :-) And, mindfully doing so several times a day.

Well, this turned out to be a much longer post than I expected. If you are still reading at this point, I would love to hear your thoughts on this concept of eating with a purpose. I am sure I didn't invent that myself, but I will be sure to publish a book about it if I did!

It's New Year's Day!!

Every fat girl's favorite day of the year. Filled with all the hopes and possibilities of wearing skinny jeans and tankinis. (Yes, that's right, tankinis. I have no delusions of grandeur. My bikini days have long since passed, not that I ever really had them!)

A year ago, I started this blog, with the same resolution I have this year. Health, fitness, and weight loss. So, that leaves me wondering what I accomplished in a year.

Basically, the year went like this. From Jan until March, I made steady progress by counting calories and eating more healthfully, losing about 20 lbs. During March and April, I went off course, gaining back half of the weight I had lost in the first few months of the year. In April I began Medifast and lost weight quickly and steadily through August, when I was at my lowest weight of the year (down about 65 lbs). Since then, I have gone up and down using a variety of different strategies (or none at all), gaining and losing and gaining again at least 15 lbs. I haven't done my first official weigh in of the year, but I am pretty sure it is not going to be pretty as I have eaten with reckless abandon for the past two weeks. In fact, I suspect that my first weigh-in would not be a true reflection of my ending weight for the year, which is why I am going to give it a couple weeks of "normal" eating before I proclaim my final weight loss for the year. Oh, the mind games we play! Regardless, I think that I probably finished out 2011 with a total loss of 40-50 lbs. My positive self says, "Not too shabby." In an attempt to silence my negative self, I think I'll just leave it at that.

Now, on to 2012. I have several resolutions for this year, but they all fall into the general category of BALANCE. I'd like to find MIND<BODY<SPIRIT balance that I have not experienced in a long time, if ever. This, of course, includes weight loss, but more importantly a diet and exercise plan that I can maintain. There are several other areas of my life where I am aiming to create balance, but more on those another day. As part of my new balanced life, I am also going to try to balance my blog posts. While the primary focus will still be diet and fitness (although less focus on the scale and more focus on the lifestyle), I plan to include other posts about this whole MIND<BODY<SPIRIT connection. So, I hope you continue to read.

By the way, if you have any recommendations, such as books or web sites, related to this topic, I'd love to hear them.

Wishing you all the best that that this year has to offer, and all the best that you have to offer yourself! You deserve it!

What to do? What to do?

And that is all. Any ideas?

"I Can Do It Myself"

That is one of my 2-year-old's favorite sentences. And, she's right. Most of the things I try to do for her, like put on her jacket or wipe her face and hands are all things she can do herself. She feels so proud when she accomplishes these things on her own.

I wish I had her confidence. Lately, these are the only things that I seem to be doing successfully by myself:
Self-destructing.
Self-sabotaging.
Self-deprecating.

I mean, I guess I should feel proud of myself, too, because I am REALLY good at those things. Somehow, that doesn't make me feel any better. I just can't seem to get out of this cycle.