Gone But Not Forgotten

Hello, Blogoshere. It's been awhile...and it will probably be awhile until my next post. I'm planning to take a break from blogging for a few reasons. 1) Life seems to be moving at record speed. Honestly, how it is mid-March is beyond my comprehension. Weeks go by without me even realizing. I used to be on top of correspondence and keeping up with friends. Now, I get an email, quickly read it, and later go back to reply and realize that weeks have gone by since I first received it! Same with phone calls. It's weird. It's not like I don't have ANY time to respond, but time just seems to evaporate. 2) Which brings me to the second reason. I don't have the same desire I did a year ago to put my free time into blogging. 3) I don't feel like I have much to blog about right now. I'm still struggling to find my rhythm, cycling through a 3 day on, 5 day off, 2 day on routine that gets me nowhere. There's only so much one can say about being in a rut. 4) I plan to start writing a novel....ha ha...just kidding. I wish I had something as exciting as that going on!

I plan to keep up with the blogs of those of you I read regularly. You continue to inspire me. Too bad you can't seem to motivate me. Damn you! :-)

So, farewell, for now.

Wasting Time

This weekend, I attended a mini-reunion of sorts. One of my high school basketball teammates was inducted into our county's Women's Athletics Hall of Fame, and after the ceremony, her sister planned a party at a local bar/restaurant. It was so great to reconnect with old friends, teammates, and coaches, some of whom I had not seen in a decade or more. Despite the passing of time, it was so easy to fall right into easy conversations, laughing about the good ol' days. Shared experiences are almost like time machines, taking you back to the people and places and camaraderie of the time.

I had been looking forward to this evening for quite some time, but the morning of, I found myself feeling anxious. I was still excited, but I was also letting the insecurities that inevitably fester when I am about to see people I haven't seen in a long time creep in. Twenty plus years ago, even though I thought I was fat, I wasn't. It was sad to me that I was letting these feelings overshadow the excitement. I worried all day about what people were going to think. But, you know what, I never felt like anyone was judging me or thinking, "DAMN, she got HU-uge!" Maybe they were, maybe they weren't, but it really doesn't matter. I only took away positive memories and feelings from that evening. While I am thankful that I didn't let my insecurities ruin the whole evening for me, I wish they hadn't been a part of the day at all.

While we were at the party, one of my friends (someone I still see regularly) said that she felt like she wasted so many times in her life worrying about boys. Yeah, been there, done that one myself. The next day, as I was replaying the evening in my mind and thinking more about what she said, I realized I am now doing the same thing about my self-image and weight. Wasting time worrying about what other people think. Wasting time waiting for the weight to come off. Wasting time putting off things I want to do and how I want to feel for "AFTER I lose weight."

I never did figure out how to not waste time on boys. Until I met my husband, when I was almost 30, I was still worrying about what I wanted and didn't have and how I was going to get it all once the world became shiny and new after I met "the one." While I love my husband dearly and I am so grateful that I met him, it didn't make everything I had been waiting on magically appear before my eyes. And, losing weight won't either.

Big Boobs and the Grandmaster

Funny story.

Last night, after putting the kids to bed, the hubs and I created a little circuit workout. It was (very) loosely based on the 100 Workout, but since my plantar fasciitis flare up, I can't do much of anything with impact, so we modified it A LOT. We did a couple sets each of boxing, crunches, squats, arm raises, and high knees. The number of reps we chose was way too low and the whole thing only took us 10 minutes! LOL But, hey, it was 10 minutes we weren't sitting on the couch. So, we'll add more next time.

ANYWAY, this was not the point of my post. After our tremendous workout, I suggested we do some yoga, you know part of that whole balance thing I'm going for. And, then Jay suggested Thai Chi. Lucky for us, there were beginner videos of both On Demand. So, we started with the Thai Chi and the wonderful teachings of Grandmaster Chen. As my friend Kim knows from our prenatal yoga days (that's a whole other post unto itself), I am not a very good participant in quiet activities in which you are supposed to channel your inner...your inner...whatever that would be called. As soon as it started, I was giggling. I don't know why. I just can't help myself. But, it only got worse from there. The video was TERRIBLE. Pretty much the only instructions he gave you were: "sleep" (ummm, OK)..."wake up" (Already? I just went to sleep.)..."50-50" (Huh?)..."turn foot" (Which foot? No clue.).."same weight" (Whaaaat?!?!). All the while, you can only see the upper half of his body. It was really quite comical as we rotated, breathed, and moved in SUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPERRRRRRR sloooowwwww motion around our living room.

So, after about 10 minutes of that, we decided to try out the yoga video. We turned it on and were immediately concerned when we noticed it was from the same production company as Mr. Chen's Thai Chi. Then, the host comes on, and we just look at each other and started cracking up. This woman had the biggest boobs EVER. Not that you can't have big boobs and do yoga. I'm sure plenty of ample breasted yogis around the world would take issue with that; just not what we were expecting. But, we didn't let that deter us. Onward and downward (facing dog) we went! Our wonderful hostess was amazingly strong and flexible, and we did our best to keep up with her, but given our inflexibility and uncontrollable laughter at the soft core porn shots throughout the video (did I mention how low cut her top was), we just couldn't quite cut it. We probably lasted about as long with Big Boobs as we did with the Grandmaster.

Bottom line, though, is we had some fun and weren't sitting on our butts. Laughter has to be a zen habit, right?!

ADDENDUM: Immediately after completing this post, I went to Facebook and my friend, the aforementioned prenatal yoga Kim, had posted this link. LOVE IT! Open Letter to the Fat Girl I Saw at Hot Yoga in New York City. I wish I could write like her.

Blind Weigh In

Yesterday, I decided I really should weigh myself, but I didn't want to look. It's silly, I know, but I didn't want to be so discouraged that I gave up before barely getting started again. At the same time, I didn't want to get to the end of the month without having a concrete measurement of how things went. Yes, the pants may be looser, but I like a number! Fortunately, my scale has a lovely feature where you can see your previous weight after you weigh yourself. So, I weighed myself, but didn't look, knowing I will be able to see what that number was whenever I decide to weigh in again. Pretty crafty, huh?! You won't beat ME, scale!

You may be wondering what my plan is or you may not give a crap. Either way, I'm going to tell you. This month (and I started on Tuesday), I am not going to be tracking or counting, but I am going to focus on eating with a purpose. Usually (hopefully),the purpose will be because I am hungry. It may be because it's been awhile since I have eaten and I should probably eat something (trying not to go more than 3-4 hours without eating). But, it may also be because I am craving something or I am eating for pleasure to really enjoy the taste of something delicious or maybe even because I am enjoying myself in a social situation. And, I think those purposes are OK too, in moderation. Most importantly, I don't want to find myself blindly stuffing my face with food I don't even want without being aware of how much I am eating or why I am eating it. A couple purposes for eating which are off limits are eating to soothe emotions and/or stress. I am hoping by eating more mindfully and with purpose, I will be more conscious of the choices I am making and start to become more in tune with my body's wants and needs when it comes to food.

I won't lie and say that this is all I am doing as I am also trying to focus on making healthy choices and reasonable portion sizes, just without counting and measuring. So far, three days in, I'm feeling pretty good about how this is going. I have been a bit hungry, but I am considering that a detox from the bingeing over the holidays. When I have gotten hungry, truly hungry, I have eaten something, even if it is only an hour or so after a meal. I have grabbed things like a small packet of almonds and a small handful of dried cranberries or an apple or a small bag of popcorn. Reasonable choices, I think.

The other thing I am focusing on is channeling my inner Buddhist by incorporating some relaxation and meditation techniques. Thanks to fellow blogger Jill, I started reading this great website Zen Habits. It is written in such a succinct way that it makes it easy to gradually incorporate the habits. I'm starting with the list of most popular posts on the "Start Here" page and reading and trying to incorporate one each week. So, this week, I am focusing on BREATHE. I can honestly say that I have been breathing successfully all week! :-) And, mindfully doing so several times a day.

Well, this turned out to be a much longer post than I expected. If you are still reading at this point, I would love to hear your thoughts on this concept of eating with a purpose. I am sure I didn't invent that myself, but I will be sure to publish a book about it if I did!

It's New Year's Day!!

Every fat girl's favorite day of the year. Filled with all the hopes and possibilities of wearing skinny jeans and tankinis. (Yes, that's right, tankinis. I have no delusions of grandeur. My bikini days have long since passed, not that I ever really had them!)

A year ago, I started this blog, with the same resolution I have this year. Health, fitness, and weight loss. So, that leaves me wondering what I accomplished in a year.

Basically, the year went like this. From Jan until March, I made steady progress by counting calories and eating more healthfully, losing about 20 lbs. During March and April, I went off course, gaining back half of the weight I had lost in the first few months of the year. In April I began Medifast and lost weight quickly and steadily through August, when I was at my lowest weight of the year (down about 65 lbs). Since then, I have gone up and down using a variety of different strategies (or none at all), gaining and losing and gaining again at least 15 lbs. I haven't done my first official weigh in of the year, but I am pretty sure it is not going to be pretty as I have eaten with reckless abandon for the past two weeks. In fact, I suspect that my first weigh-in would not be a true reflection of my ending weight for the year, which is why I am going to give it a couple weeks of "normal" eating before I proclaim my final weight loss for the year. Oh, the mind games we play! Regardless, I think that I probably finished out 2011 with a total loss of 40-50 lbs. My positive self says, "Not too shabby." In an attempt to silence my negative self, I think I'll just leave it at that.

Now, on to 2012. I have several resolutions for this year, but they all fall into the general category of BALANCE. I'd like to find MIND<BODY<SPIRIT balance that I have not experienced in a long time, if ever. This, of course, includes weight loss, but more importantly a diet and exercise plan that I can maintain. There are several other areas of my life where I am aiming to create balance, but more on those another day. As part of my new balanced life, I am also going to try to balance my blog posts. While the primary focus will still be diet and fitness (although less focus on the scale and more focus on the lifestyle), I plan to include other posts about this whole MIND<BODY<SPIRIT connection. So, I hope you continue to read.

By the way, if you have any recommendations, such as books or web sites, related to this topic, I'd love to hear them.

Wishing you all the best that that this year has to offer, and all the best that you have to offer yourself! You deserve it!

What to do? What to do?

And that is all. Any ideas?

"I Can Do It Myself"

That is one of my 2-year-old's favorite sentences. And, she's right. Most of the things I try to do for her, like put on her jacket or wipe her face and hands are all things she can do herself. She feels so proud when she accomplishes these things on her own.

I wish I had her confidence. Lately, these are the only things that I seem to be doing successfully by myself:
Self-destructing.
Self-sabotaging.
Self-deprecating.

I mean, I guess I should feel proud of myself, too, because I am REALLY good at those things. Somehow, that doesn't make me feel any better. I just can't seem to get out of this cycle.

Life in the (medi)Fast Lane

After a rocky few weeks months, I've decided to resume Medifast, at least through Thanksgiving. I guess I'm just not ready to have the freedom that Weight Watchers allows me. Although, that's kind of a cop out because if I actually stuck to the plan, it wouldn't allow me too much freedom. But, you know me, all or nothing. I still WANT that to be the type of lifestyle diet I can follow at some point, but I'm not quite there yet. So, I'm bummed about that, but I am also seeing the positive in that I am reigning myself in before I get so far gone that I give up, as I have done in the past. I haven't given up. Despite these abysmal numbers...

8/21: lowest weight (for about a half a second)
9/19: +4 lbs
10/17: +12.8 lbs (yes, that is a 3lb/wk gain. Sickening!)
11/4: +4 lbs

UGH, it is so embarrassing to put that out there to the blogging universe, but I think it's a good reality check of how quickly and easily things can get away from you me. In less than 3 months, I have gained 20+ lbs. GROSS!!! WHO DOES THAT?!?!? Me, that's who. But now, enough self-berating. Time to move on and do something about it.

I wish I could put into words what it feels like to be so out of control about something that seems so simple: eating. I truly don't think unless you have been there, you can understand it. If anyone has a good description, I'd love for you to share it.

Lost & Found

Things I have lost over the past few weeks:
1) Mojo.
2) Discipline.
3) Structure.
4) Exercise.
5) Sleep.
6) Energy.


Things I have found over the past few weeks:
1) Stress.
2) Pounds.
3) Lethargy.
4) Fast Food.
5) Tight Pants.
6) Puffy Face.


Time to regroup, refocus, and move forward. Any tips?

Hello, Food!

Scale Victory
One week of eating real food doing Weight Watchers down. Also down was the number on the scale. Down 9 lbs!! Now, I should preface this by mentioning that when I weighed in last Monday after 3 weeks of on again off again Medifasting, I was up 13 lbs from my previous low. But, I'm glad to know that Weight Watchers allowed me to take off that excess water weight and bloating just like Medifast had. Now, I am only 4 lbs away from my previous low!


Non-Scale Victories
Due to craziness with getting ready to move and two birthday parties this weekend, there was a lot of eating away from home and/or eating carry out. I was able to reasonably do this and still get the stuff I really wanted. Here are a few examples. 

• Pizza Hut: house salad with lite Italian dressing and 3 slices of cheese pizza from a medium thin-n-crispy pizza
• Chipotle: chicken burrito bowl with 1/2 portion of rice, double fajita veggies, no cheese, and lettuce, tomato-corn salsa (HOLY DELICIOUSNESS)
• Kids Birthday Party: snacked on fruit/veggie tray and one slice of pizza (didn't eat the crust, so I counted it as thin crust)

Weight Watchers Modification
Many days, it was hard for me to eat all of points, especially since fruits and veggies are "free". I have incorporated a tip I learned from another blog. Sarah from Watch Sarah Shrink said she felt like she wasn't losing like she wanted to or should with all the free veggies/fruit, so she started counting each serving of fruits and veggies as one point. That is what I did, too. They are calories, after all. This is something that I may change as my daily points target gets lower, but I think I'll stick with it for now.


Going Forward
I'm looking forward to continuing to eating real food and losing weight at a reasonable pace until I reach my goal. Now that I don't have such a huge amount of weight to lose, losing a pound or so a week will keep me motivated. When I first started, one pound seemed like such a teeny tiny step down a never-ending path that would surely lead me off a cliff before I got to the finish line.


I am going to try my best to post once a week for the next couple of weeks, but if you don't see a post from me, don't worry. We are moving in a week, and it just means things are too busy! 


Weight Loss
This week: 9 lbs
Total: 64.4 lbs

Weight Watchers Day 1 (a photo journal)

Breakfast: 

Omelet of Egg Beaters, spinach, feta, MSF crumbles

Lunch: 

Salad with romaine, bell peppers, cucumber, salmon, and balsamic vinaigrette 

 Snack:

Grapes

Snack:

Light Microwave Popcorn

Dinner:

Spaghetti Squash Casserole with broccoli, canned diced tomatoes, chicken sausage, light mozzarella

Dessert:

Medifast Brownie with 1 Tbsp Natural Peanut Butter

(looks gross but tasted good!)

Time for a Change?

Generally when a weight loss blogger hasn't posted in awhile, you can probably guess that she has hit a setback of some sort. Yeah, that's what's happening to me. I'm in a rut. Stuck in a pattern of eating like crap for a few days, getting back on track for a few days, eating like crap for a day, getting back on track for 3/4 of a day, only to be off track by dinner time. It's frustrating. 


Earlier in the week, I was very focused on beating myself up for this setback. There was A LOT of really negative self-talk happening. Want a snippet of the endless stream of verbal (in my head) abuse I was lashing myself with? "What the F are you doing?" "Do you want to get fat again?" "What is your problem?" "You are so pathetic."  "What, you think what you  have done is enough? You're still overweight." So, you get the idea.


Now that I am done beating myself up (not to say I am happy with myself, just done punishing myself), I am trying to focus on what is going on with me, assessing where I am mentally, emotionally, and most importantly, where am I going from here? And, the conclusion I'm beginning to come to is that maybe it's time for a change. 


When I started Medifast, it was always with the intention that it would be a short term plan to get most of the weight off. Then, I would transition to calorie counting or Weight Watchers or something along those lines. I just don't feel like the rigidity of the plan is working for me right now. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say that I am not working the plan. But, if something is not working, whether it's because of you or the plan or something else, isn't is time to re-evaluate? After all, that's what I did 6 months ago when I decided to start Medifast. Now, maybe it's time to shake things up again.


I have been thinking a lot about this for the past few days, and I have hesitated to post about it because I feel like people will think that I am doing this just because I want to take the easy way out. But, I stopped thinking that around the same time I stopped beating myself up. This is why. I have essentially wasted almost 3 weeks, probably gaining 10 lbs. For me, right now, Medifast is not working. I am not giving up. In fact, I kind of feel like I am doing the complete opposite. My destination is the same, I'm just changing the route I am taking to get there. 


I have to say, I am excited. Just as excited and optimistic as I was when I started Medifast. More later on all the details of making this transition...

“The key to success is often the ability to adapt.” ~Anthony Brandt

Too Big for My Britches

What a week...what a bad week. I don't know what happened. After the post-wedding eating frenzy last Sunday, I did get back on track and stayed there for all of 3 days. I'm not sure what happened. Maybe all the compliments at the wedding and the nice pictures and my nifty before & progress pictures went to my head? Getting too big for your britches is not a good place to be when trying to lose weight. After all, my britches are supposed to be getting too big for me. Maybe I started to get a little complacent, too comfortable. Or maybe it was just the impending hurricane. Something about low pressure systems make me stock up on junk food and wine and eat/drink whatever I want. Whether it's a blizzard or a hurricane, when the barometer starts to fall so does my willpower.

Anyway, enough analyzing what did and did not happen last week, and on to what I am going to do about it. First, I did not weigh in this morning. Obviously, My Thurs-Sun eating frenzy impacted the scale in a negative way. I am not in denial; I just don't need the scale to tell me what I already know. Second, I started back on plan this morning.

Finally, on Thursday September 1st, I am starting a new personal challenge. I will call it my 30-DAY OPENS challenge. That stands for 30-days On Plan, Exercising and....No Scale. NO SCALE!!! That's right, I am going to weigh myself on Sept 1, and I will not do so again until Sept 30. This may be the hardest part of the challenge for me. But, I have an unhealthy relationship with the scale. I use it to reward and punish myself. Everybody is different. My blogging friend Patra from The Red Dress Report will probably keel over dead when she reads this as she is a committed daily weigher. On the other hand, fellow blogger, Dawn over at A New Dawn for Me hasn't weighed herself AT ALL, NOT ONCE as she has shed 6 pant sizes. I really admire her for that.

If I am staying on plan and doing the Couch to 5K program 3x per week, I will be able to measure my success based on my commitment to those goals and how I feel. And, if I am doing those things, I think I will be feeling pretty good. The other thing is that many people who do Medifast find that their weight loss slows down when they start exercising regularly, and I don't want that to discourage me. After all, the ultimate goal of all of this is to become a healthy person with a healthy lifestyle, which obviously needs to involve exercise.

I will check in again after my weigh-in on September 1st as I commence my OPENS challenge.

I'd love to hear about your relationship with the scale. Are you a daily weigher? Weekly? Monthly? Never?

Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol...

It feels like I have missed a week of blogging because I have so much to update on. So, here we go...

Before & After

Check out my new page with Before & After pictures. At this point, they are actually Before & Progress pictures since I haven't yet reached my goals. You can click on the Before & After tab across the top, or just click here.

Couch to 5K

Last Thursday, I successfully complete Week 1. Overall, I felt really good. It's funny, in recent years, I thought I had trouble running because I was getting older, had bad knees, and hadn't done it in so long. WRONG. I had trouble running because I was fat. I think the last time I ran was back at the beginning of March (or about 50 lbs ago). I really struggled, thumping along, feeling like a bull in a china shop. Now, even though I don't yet have the cardio to sustain a long run, I can run with ease, feel "light" on my feet, can find a rhythm. And, let me tell you, it feels good!!

Yesterday I began Week 2. I felt good with the longer run intervals, and I am not sore at all today. Here's the Week 2 workout.

• Brisk 5 min warm-up walk
• Alternate 90 sec of jogging and 2 min of walking for 20 min
• 5 min cool-down walk

Wedding

On Saturday, my cousin got married. For weeks, I have been deliberating how I was going to handle this event. What was I going to eat? Would I drink? I finally decided that I would stick as close to my eating plan as possible, but I would partake in a couple tasty beverages. And, that is exactly what I did...well, sort of. Ate my Medifast all day leading up to the reception, drank my water, brought my snacks, and was able to make a Lean & Green meal out of the salad, salmon, and zucchini on the dinner buffet. So, what went wrong? Perhaps the turning point was when I said to the bartender, "I'll have a rum and Diet Coke. Make it a double." :-) And, so it went as I danced the night away (working off those calories, right?!).

I never felt like I was drunk, but I definitely woke up feeling hung over. And, now, this leads to my next entry...

Mind Games

Waking up on Sunday morning, there was only one thing I knew for sure. I needed GREASE, and I needed it ASAP. You all do know that the only cure for a hangover is greasy fast food, right? So, here was my plan. I would weigh myself, see that I had gained some weight from my alcohol consumption, write off the week, and go get my fast food. Onto the scale I stepped, only to find that I was down 2 lbs. WHAT?!?! Did I really dance THAT much?

Now I needed a new game plan. So, I re-framed my thinking to, "Well, I was already thinking I would write this week off, and since I am down two pounds, I may as well go ahead and eat what I want, gain those two pounds back, and write the week off anyway." Crazy, I know. But, that is exactly what I did. I ate crappy fast food and carry out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

The psychoses doesn't end there....

Weigh-in

I decided to record my -2 as my official weigh-in for the week (it was only off by a day, right?), not weigh myself on Monday (my official weigh-in day), so I wouldn't see the damage from my one-day binge, and start the next week as if none of this happened. And, that is what I have done. Right back on track. And, in case you were wondering, I felt absolutely disgusting on Monday. I was lethargic and puffy and dehydrated, but if you want to know the truth, I don't regret it. Maybe 3 meals was a bit much, but I wouldn't have traded those Sonic tater tots for anything on Sunday morning! And, I think I am beginning to see that one day off track doesn't mean the end of working toward my goals.

Weight Loss
Pre-Medifast: 8.6 lbs
Medifast Month 1: 25 lbs
Medifast Month 2: 6.8 lbs
Medifast Month 3: 18.2 lbs
Medifast Month 4: 1.4 lbs
Medifast Month 5: (2.8, 3.6, 2, )
Medifast Total (19 weeks): 59.8 lbs
Total in 2011: 68.4 lbs

C25K W1D1

For those of you not in the know, that title is Couch to 5K, Week 1, Day 1.

Sunday night, I set out my workout clothes and shoes, along with my clothes for work, and I went to bed at a reasonable time. I was shooting for 10, made it by 10:30. Set my alarm for 4:55 and went to bed with all the eager anticipation that one feels when they have to get up really early to leave for vacation. Seriously. You know what I'm talking about. That feeling of excitement mixed with nervousness about oversleeping. That's exactly how I felt.

I got out of bed promptly, got changed, brushed my teeth, chugged a glass of water, filled my water bottle and got on the treadmill. Turned on my app and podcast, and got started.

All of Week 1 consists of the same workout:

Brisk 5-min warm-up walk.

Alternate 60 sec of jogging and 90 sec of walking for a total of 20 min.

5-min cool down walk

The workout was great. So manageable. I'm sure I need to play with my pacing. Maybe someone who runs/walks frequently on a treadmill could offer insight. I warmed up and cooled down at 3.5 mph. Did the walk intervals at 4.0 and the run intervals at 5.0, which is only a 12 min mile. I am thinking I should shoot for 6.0, which is a 10 min mi. I felt really comfortable doing it. One annoying thing was that the app I got and the podcast weren't the same. The app had 9 run intervals and the podcast had 8. I did the 9 because it seemed to be more accurate time wise since the run/walk intervals were supposed to last about 20 min. With 9 run intervals, it came out to 21 min. Tomorrow, I think I'll skip the podcast and just use the app. Now, I just need to find some good workout music to put on. Looking forward to tomorrow's workout. Same time, same place.

Weigh-in: Also, in case you are wondering, I lost 3.6 lbs this week! I am trying to mentally prepare for a slow down on the scale as I add-on the exercise and start building up some muscle. We'll see how this week goes.

Weight Loss
Pre-Medifast: 8.6 lbs
Medifast Month 1: 25 lbs
Medifast Month 2: 6.8 lbs
Medifast Month 3: 18.2 lbs
Medifast Month 4: 1.4 lbs
Medifast Month 5: (2.8, 3.6 , , )
Medifast Total (17 weeks): 57.8 lbs
Total in 2011: 66.4 lbs

Married Female in Search of "A" Passion

It's sad for me to say this, but I don't think I have a passion. Just to be clear, I don't mean this in the, shall I say, romantical way. That is passion. I am talking about "A" passion. What's even more sad, is I think it's been well over a decade since I have had one. Ever since my passion for playing basketball faded (read: was destroyed by my diabolical college coach) around my sophomore or junior year of college, I've never really found anything to take it's place. There's plenty of things I like, even love, but would I say they are my passion? No.

What exactly is a passion? Well, to me, it's some thing or activity that fuels you in some way. Something you are drawn to. Something you thrive on. Something that fills you with emotion. Something that almost becomes a part of you, perhaps the thing by which you define yourself. For some people it's a career, a hobby, a sport, a talent, a role in life. I can say with 100% certainty that this was basketball for me. It was who I was. But, who am I now?

That's what I am trying to figure out.

• I like to cook.
• I like to write.
• I like to read.
• I am a mother, a wife, a daughter. I LOVE my family.
• I am a teacher.
• I like music and movies and sports, but I couldn't even tell you who my favorite artist, actor, or sports figure is.

But, I can honestly say that I don't think any of those things are my passion. Should I feel guilty that being a mom is not my passion? I don't know if I should, but I do, just a bit and that's hard to admit. Teaching is what has probably come closest as a passion for me. And, in the right environment and with the right subject matter, it quite possibly could be. When I was teaching a community college course in Sociology, and we had a great discussion where I felt like people's eyes were opened and students saw something from a different perspective, it really invigorated me. I felt a rush, an excitement, a sense of pride. THAT is what I am searching for again. THOSE feelings. The same feelings I had when I played basketball.

As my weight loss has become more noticeable, people have begun asking me my "secret". And, I get excited to tell them. Not necessarily about the product itself, but for what I know is possible for them. I know what it's like to feel like you have tried everything to lose weight and nothing seems to work. I know what it's like to feel terrible about yourself, to think that every time you walk into a room people are looking at you, and every time you walk out they're talking about you. So, it excites me to tell people it's possible, that they can find something that works for them. Could this be my next passion? Possibly. Which is why I am thinking about becoming a Take Shape for Life Health Coach. (more on that another time since this post is already getting ridiculously long)

The other thing I am really excited about is this Couch to 5K running program. I went out and bought some good running shoes this weekend, and I don't think I've ever been so excited about a pair of sneakers in my life. I feel like they are just waiting to take me on this amazing journey to discover (or re-discover) a part of me that's been tucked away for quite some time. That part of me that can and wants to push myself, to feel that adrenaline rush, and sense of accomplishment. And, I also want to do this to be able to let other people know that they can do it too.

So, maybe, just maybe, this can all become part of my new passion. Helping people and teaching them how to lose weight, and be healthy, and feel good about themselves, not because I read how to do it in a book or took a class, but because I did it myself. And that is my first step in searching out this passion. Doing it myself. For myself.

Just a Weigh-in

Just a quick post with today's weigh-in. Down 2.8! YAY!

Planning a longer post later in the week. Stay tuned...

Weight Loss
Pre-Medifast: 8.6 lbs
Medifast Month 1: 25 lbs
Medifast Month 2: 6.8 lbs
Medifast Month 3: 18.2 lbs
Medifast Month 4: 1.4 lbs
Medifast Month 5: (2.8, , , )
Medifast Total (16 weeks): 54.2 lbs
Total in 2011: 62.8 lbs

Back to the Future

This morning I hopped into my DeLorean and traveled back in time three weeks. Remember three weeks ago when I hit the 60 lbs lost mark? When I was about to start my vacation eating in moderation treating myself to a few indulgences? When I was drinking my gallon + per day of water? Well, today, I am right back there (within .6 lbs). On, July 9, I was down 60.6 lbs. Today, I am down 60 lbs!!

While I don't know exactly how much I gained on my binge, I did sneak onto the scale about 5 days in and was already up 6 lbs. That's when I decided I should stop weighing myself. Funny, I didn't decide that was when the binge should end. I can say with a good amount of certainty that I was up at least 10 lbs by the end of it.

This week, I was 100% back on the Medifast plan, and I am glad it paid off. I must admit, I am getting restless. I want to start making more real food again and figuring out how to make healthier choices. With the success of this week, it helps me recommit myself to the plan.

Of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have that fleeting thought of "what if". What if I hadn't spent the past three weeks gaining and losing the same weight to only break even? What if I had lost 11.4 lbs this month instead of 1.4? I'd be at 70 lbs instead of 60 lbs. So, yes, I have had that thought. BUT, and this is where the progress comes in, it really has only been a fleeting thought, nothing I am dwelling on.

Here's to a great month!

Weight Loss

Pre-Medifast: 8.6 lbs
Medifast Month 1: 25 lbs
Medifast Month 2: 6.8 lbs
Medifast Month 3: 18.2 lbs
Medifast Month 4: 1.4 lbs
Medifast Total (16 weeks): 51.4 lbs
Total in 2011: 60 lbs

From "Couch to 5K" in 3 Months

It's time to get serious about the exercising. When I think back on the times that I felt best about myself, it was when I felt good about what my body was doing for me. Ironically, this doesn't necessarily equate to how I felt about the appearance of my body. In high school, I felt really good about what my body was able to accomplish: running 9 miles at cross country practice, playing center on the basketball team, winning games, and championships, and individual honors, rehabbing from a knee injury. Even though I thought I was "fat" at the time, I still felt good about the things my body could do, the determination I had, and the pride that came along with setting goals and reaching them. In college, I felt good about playing Division I basketball (even though it was hardly all I hoped it to be), running a mile in 6 min, benching pressing 75% of my body weight. And even though I felt good about what my body was doing, it was undermined by my coaches saying I needed to lose (more*) weight in order to "gain a step". (*Between my sophomore and junior year, June-August, I lost 20 lbs at the urging of my coaches, not easy to do on an already fit and not overweight body, only to return to pre-season training in August and be told I should have lost more...YEAH, and you wonder why I have issues?!?!)

Anyway, all this to say that I feel good when my body is accomplishing something, moving toward and reaching a goal. Even though I may not like how it looks, I like how it feels. I like feeling strong.

So, with that in mind, I have set a goal (along with my husband) to run a 5k on November 13. The week of August 14th, I am going to start the Couch to 5k running program. A 9-week, 3 days/week, program (I'll have 12-weeks) that eases you, step by step, into running a 5k. I plan on using the treadmill program outlined here. Why wait until August 13th? Because I feel like I am starting over with Medifast after my two-week vacation, and they suggest not starting any new exercise for the first 2 weeks as your body adjusts to the new lower calorie intake.

There it is. All in writing. For the world (or at least 5 or 6 people) to see. Therefore, I must follow through. Right? Right!

Waiting for the Weight

After a nearly 2-week eating frenzy, I have decided not to weigh-in. I know I've gained weight (probably 10+ lbs), and I don't see any reason to depress myself with the number. Today, I am back on plan, and will give myself one full week before I weigh myself. I figure that by then, the number won't be as staggering. This is uncharted territory for me as I tend to live (aka stay positive and on plan) and die (aka get depressed and go off plan) by the scale.

Here are the things I already know without having to weigh myself:

1) I feel bloated and puffy.

2) I feel lethargic.

3) I'm grumpy.

4) I did not enjoy stuffing my face with anything I could possible think of just because I wasn't "on my diet".

5) I did enjoy eating the things I really wanted and had planned to eat ahead of time.

6) I still have a long way to go in gaining control over my eating and my emotions and habits associated with it.

I am not beating myself up about this. I am using it as a learning experience, moving on, and continuing on this journey!